Funerals...

I spent most of my time thinking about how my funeral will be like when I decide to leave this horrifying planet. I went as far as writing my own eulogy, crazy isn't it. There is one thing that intrigue me to date though, it is how we perceive funerals according to our race and religions.

The way white people mourn for their loved one is different from the way blacks in South Africa mourn. Mind you black people are not all wealthy, well, few are rich but the rest are poor but still make ends meet.

When a white person dies, he/she get to be kept in a morgue for close to three days and buried on the fourth day or end up being burnt to ashes (Ooh sorry, cremated). The number of people attending the funeral will be around twelve or so unless the deceased was a well know person. The funeral service gets to be conducted in a church and last for 15 minutes. When the priest is now done with his speeches that went like, " ashes to ashes", in my language it will be molora mo moloreng, everyone goes their different ways or go to have a cup of tea at home. Now tell me, how much do you think the bereaved has spent to have the deceased buried? Think about it. I would say less than five thousand. You get to hear those who attended the funeral raving on about how great the funeral was, the dignity imposed really showed how well the bereaved appreciated the deceased. One thing that I love about white people's funeral is that they attendees will be wearing black outfits representing a mourning period. That's respect right there... Don't you agree.

Now, back to my people, black people in South Africa. I don't know what I am about to write about here is also being experienced around the whole Africa, unless a western culture is being practiced.

When one of my people die they are kept in a mortuary for two flipping weeks. Are we that special to be kept in a freezer for that long? OMG, and the family visit the morgue everyday to wash the corpse, put on make up and so on. Maybe all this is lead by the fact that the three women in the bible, Maria Magdalene, Jesus Mom, and darn I forgot the third one, went to Jesus tombstone, holding perfumes to smear it on his body? Who knows, Amasiko nje. The reason I am saying that is the fact that my folks were so frustrated when my uncle kicked the bucket few years ago, they never got to mourn, they kept on worrying about what people would say if they come to pay their respects and there won't be anything to give them (coffee, tea, or food). What a culture. We go to a length of getting the most expensive coffin, and then we have to worry how the deceased will be coffined. We buy an expensive suit at Truworths, whereas he died while he/she was used to feel comfy when wearing a simple pair of a jean and T's. Is that respect? I bet to differ. I want to be buried in my favorite T's and my funky bermuda. Otherwise I will haunt those who put a suit on me. There are things that need to be done when a black person is given a respectful burial:

• The priest get to be bought, some pastors charge close to R2,500.00 to conduct a burial service.
• Ladies, amantombazana, they need to come and peel the rind off the vegetables, then make fancy salads.
• During those two weeks while someones poor body has been refrigerated, close to seven sheep's and three goats need to be slaughtered. Mind you, one sheep cost R600.00 nowadays if you get it on a bargain, the owner will tell you that he had slashed the prices.
• You would have visited the supermarket four to six times already, no matter the interest rate surging all the time and per visit you spent over R1,000.00.
• If the deceased wasn't paying his dues at church, you will have to pay from the year he/she stopped paying. Never mind the fact that you hired a man of god.
• We would want the funeral to be done with "green grass".
• Every family member's got to have an outfit for Saturday when the deceased will be buried. It's all about fashion.
• NB:A cow has to be slaughtered. Back at home they call it a "Bus", if your neighbors did not see that the cow has been slaughtered, well, you might as well count them out of those who will be attending the funeral.
• As if that is all, the poor bereaved worry if Thabo Mbeki will be attending the funeral, and will he be coming with six black BMW's or what.
• The list is endless.

I might be unfair here because I know a lot about darkies funeral than my white friend's. In a black community, a good funeral means the number of people who attended and how tasty the food was. Who was wearing what? Ladies aren't afraid to wear pink, I mean a bloody flipping pink outfit as if they are attending Hancock's movie premier. Now this is what gets under my skin, it goes beyond vexing me, is the phone ring tones you hear when the priest is praying. At this point, it is when the organizers are checking if the after party celebration is still on. You get Mr See Me Please singing to the top of his voice because he saw Miss Thang wearing designer sunglasses that fills her whole face, and the poor thing her nose is so flat, you just see the nostrils, and the guy is trying his luck.

Funerals are no longer dignified in our black communities, I think the SAMA awards are dignified compared to funerals now. The feedback you get from the two events correlate perfectly.

At this point, I only attend funerals of my closest family members and friends. The reason being, I ran out of outfits to wear and apparels are now expensive. To update your wardrobe will require a three months salary.